Early September Update

We made it back to rehab Thursday. It wasn't without a fight, no surprise. I'm so tired of fighting hospitals.

Overall, I guess Brian is an anomaly to the doctors, which I suppose I'm not mad about because I always hear my mom's voice in my head when things don't go according to plan..."God works in mysterious ways."

So they kept him admitted for about 5-6 days to monitor his heart and run every test possible. Everything turned up normal. No complaints from me, but also maddening because he was just losing days of rehab, laying in a bed. The low heart rates resolved and Brian was stable as all get out.

Their solution was to slightly adjust some of his meds and that's about it. Friday I spoke to a few different doctors and they are now concluding that since Brian is a fit guy who was active pre-injury, they believe his lower resting heart rates to be attributed to a healthy heart, since all the bloodwork and tests they've run are normal. So at this point they're looking at it all as a positive thing that his body is regulating to it's old self (vs running high heart rates and high blood pressures like he was a few months back). We'll take it!

Tomorrow, he will go back to the brain injury floor at rehab (they've had him on an acute floor where he's monitored 24/7 because they wanted to be overly cautious this admission to avoid another trip back to the ER).

I toured the next facility for whenever our discharge date comes (still up in the air but I'd imagine it's coming up soon). It's actually a brand new place with a great gym and they're up and coming in the brain injury realm. I'm hopeful that it'll be a good next step. I was able to connect with another wife that's there with her husband to gain some insights and also have some support in one another. Thankful to have met her and that this facility fell out of the sky so that we don't have to move out of state.

As for me, I'm not doing great. It's easy to perceive strength, when for me it just feels like survival. It's harder to get out of bed every day. It's harder not to cry all the time. It's hard to not see progress as fast as we had hoped. It's hard to not think about our upcoming 3 year anniversary and feel complete, utter devastation. As every day, week and month passes without Brian emerging, my hope and faith dwindle and this circumstance feels impossible.  And then...I talk to a wife who's husband had a long journey like Brian's, and emerged after 15 months. And it sparks my hope again.  Perhaps we aren't up against impossible after all. And then another person sends me a story about a man in a car bombing that endured 7 brain surgeries, and eventually learned to walk and talk again and he's married with kids now. Both of these stories found their way to me on days that I felt I hit my bottom. And then I sob, and pray and beg God, again, for a miracle in Brian.

If you don't see him every day, it's easy to say 'he has come so far' or 'he looks so good' or 'wow his eyes are open!'...but I see him daily and it's like watching grass grow. For me, I still see his muscle tone kick in and his arms lock up and hands clench. I hear his teeth grind and help him manage his saliva. I stretch his neck only to find he can't fully turn it or bend it because of how much tension he holds. I ask him to look at me and sometimes feel he does, but most of the time feel he doesn't. I ask him to squeeze my hand or give me a thumbs up. Nothing. It was exhausting after 1 month, and it's unbearable... frustrating... heartbreaking after 7. I see all the things he IS doing, of course, but can't help but feel they're not enough...that his spirit is still trapped away. And I yearn for the day he is truly tracking me with his eyes. I do see improvement with his eyes lately, and today I hugged him and he made some small humming sounds! They're tiny wins, but I try to look for anything on days like today - spent uncontrollably crying waiting for God to show up and show off. Where every last thing is unnerving, like the TV remote not working, the blood pressure valve leaking, the heart monitor machine beeping, the feeding tube motor squeaking, the PCT not showing up for her shift... I decided to stretch out Brian's neck to try and ignore all these small, annoying things stacking up, and I couldn't get the head rest off his wheelchair for the life of me....which inevitably broke me and literally brought me to my knees sobbing with a strong urge to scream. How do I keep a positive attitude on days like today!? How will this get better? When will Brian look at me, speak to me, or hold me again...or will he ever?

Often times lately I wake in the night, restless and scared, racing thoughts, fears creeping in. I reach for my phone for a distraction. And sometimes, it goes like this: At the top of my Instagram feed a post with a quote says:

"God is saying to you today, 'I know you have a lot on your mind right now. It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You feel alone. Lay all your concerns before me in prayer. I will provide. I will make a way for you. Don't worry. I've got your back."

Next post:

"Don't overthink. Pray."

Scroll, next post:

"Dear God...I lay this fear down. I lay this fear down based on who you are and what you said. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Check my email:

Subject Line: Praying for a Breakthrough? Body of email: God's got this. "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24

Open text from a faithful friend:

"You intended to harm me, BUT GOD intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." - Genesis 50:20

And then slowly but surely, some hope is restored, and I can face the day with what little is left in my tank. I can do it day over day because I truly want Brian to receive the care he deserves and I am able to help ensure that happens. I'm able to provide some of that care myself, too. And my love for him is endless and that's what is fueling me. I always have believed God designed us for one another...so that same God must love us and be fighting alongside us for Brian's recovery. I'm praying He has heard all of our desperate prayers and has already answered them...and that we can see that pan out here soon. 

Praying for Brian to have a healthy go back in rehab, a clear path forward, lots and lots of undeniable progress, and Brian's full return and recovery.  Lord...make a way where there is no way. Let it be possible.

Stealing this from a blog post I recently read from another person's brain injury journey:

Isaiah 43:16-21 says….

This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:  “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.  The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen,  the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise. NIV

Think of all the times in the bible that God made a way where there seemed to be no way….

He split the sea

He moved mountains

He walked on water

He tore the veil

He healed the sick

He conquered giants

He closed the mouths of lions

He opened prison doors

He calmed the raging seas

God is a God of miracles. He can make a way where there is no way.

Thanks for checking in here. Thanks for praying. Thanks for reading some of my raw thoughts and feelings because typing them out sometimes offers me a chance to convince myself that I still have hope and faith.