June 17th - Day 122

"If you're a loved one, grieving and worrying about someone who's in the hospital, it can be really difficult...But we see from Scripture that God is there throughout all those moments and that his love for us doesn't change. When you really dive into Scripture and realize he is merciful and that his steadfast love for us  never ceases, when you observe things in the hospital, you can pick up glimmers of his love breaking through. It doesn't discount the tragedy of what you see, but you can still see his grace and love at work."

"...their hardest trials are really their mercies in disguise. They are mercies because they force us into the arms of Jesus where, otherwise, we might not be inclined to go. When we see trials that way, our unruly hearts learn that this world is, in no way, our home." 

"I see mercy in the dusty sunlight that outlines the trees, in my mother’s crooked hands, in the blanket my friend left for me, in the harmony of the wind chimes.  And I learn a new prayer: thank you. It’s a prayer I don’t mean yet, but will repeat until I do.

Call me cursed, call me lost, call me scorned. But that’s not all. Call me chosen, blessed, sought-after. Call me the one who God whispers His secrets to. I am the one whose belly is filled with loaves of mercy that were hidden for me." -Full blog post here: God is on the bathroom floor

I read some blogs / articles this week and these were some things/quotes that stood out to me.

This week, here are the glimmers of God's love & mercy breaking through:

• Brian's visual tracking is improving. It's not great yet, but it's better this time in rehab than it was before. His eyes also move in the right directions when moving his body side to side in physical therapy.
• Brian's now on 2 neuro stimulants, including the newly introduced dopamine.
• He had an ENT evaluation and everything looks good except for some mild edema from acid reflux in his throat - so they reduced the size of his trach to the smallest size and he tolerated it well. He will have a one way speaking valve placed for speech therapies until they decide to challenge it with a cap early next week. Final step/goal is to remove the trach all together!
• Brian's visual threat response is strong (aka he reacts with blinking when there is visual threat approaching his eyes from the front or side)
• Making more audible sounds with his voice (just in his throat, not speaking).
• Alert (eyes open) for a majority of the day.
• Jaw / clenched bite is more relaxed than his previous stay.
• Swelling in face is gone (which was present before his shunt surgery).
• Increased spontaneous movements & increased sensitivity to sound, touch and noxious stimulus.
• On Tuesday, I cried uncontrollably all day. No particular reason other than the weight of this circumstance itself & what next steps we should be taking. Each therapist & nurse came to check on me, sit with me, listen, hug me... one at a time to make sure I felt supported. 
• Prayers and encouragement sent to me daily from both friends, family & strangers.
• Yesterday, the overarching theme of all my prayers and the prayers sent TO me was "Trust me." Loud & clear!
• Fresh bread, smoothies, showers
• The weather & the daily sunsets & moonrises
• The smiles on people's faces when they see Layla
• Dreams of Brian coming home, hugging me, telling me he missed me.
• Sitting in the hospital bed with Brian, holding his hands, and letting him hear my prayers.

Please pray for Brian's conscious fight. Pray he returns to consciousness & soon before we potentially have to uproot and move across the country. I'm praying we can continue Brian's recovery in Chicago, where our support system is. Casting those anxieties on the Lord & trusting Him to make a way. 

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessolonians 5:16-18