June 13th - Day 118

Brian is back and settled into therapy/rehab as of Wednesday night. Thankfully, there haven't been any complications since his shunt operation. The medical team at rehab have all commented on how much better his eyes look & that he seems to be moving around more. They will be meeting tomorrow morning to have a meeting and provide a more thorough update/game plan for me this go. Today he's been pretty alert & I've heard him making more sounds than usual.

Tomorrow, they are going to start him on a new neurostimulant drug (that's basically high dose dopamine). Because of his inconclusive history with potential seizure activity, it is considered a riskier drug to try, so they are going to start once a day on a lower dosage than they usually would to see how he responds and slowly increase it if they deem it safe. This drug is also one that has been proven to help patients in Brian's state, so I'm really praying that it is effective and we start to see big improvements this week!

I went to church this morning with a friend and I was sharing my thoughts and fears with her and she reminded me that our hope is in God - not in science/drugs, because I was feeling so anxious and hopeful about this drug. And she reminded me that God will decide what and when & we should continue to pray for the physicians' knowledge and discretion, and not to put too much stake in anything other than God. Because..."when the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen." -Isaiah 60:22

The sermon this morning was focused on John 16:16-33 & the overarching message was about how Jesus overcomes sorrow with joy - time and time again, redemption is the story of history (2 Corinthians 6:10, Romans 8:18, 2 Corinthians 4:16-17, to name a few examples the pastor cited). Jesus is literally known for being in the business of overcoming sorrow with joy, and because Jesus overcomes, we too will overcome with Him. This really resonated with me, and lately I have been thankful to have a God that created the universe, that loves us more than he treasures the birds (“Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows”-Matthew 10:31) that created & designed each one of us, loves us and that while this circumstance is unbearable, it is not with my own strength, but God's, that I / we can endure it. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

He gives us our 'daily' bread, not our weekly, monthly, or yearly bread.  Just enough for today - and I've asked for that with each new morning, and for 118 days he has delivered. I am so thankful that there even is a written word to turn to, and that its completely about God's grace and love for us, so that we have something to turn to daily for help in not just suffering, but all circumstances. If we turn to the world or our own understanding, we would be told we simply cannot handle it. Suffering is inevitable for us all. In fact, it's certain we will all suffer. And how beautiful it is that we actually get to know the depths of God's promises & love for us in our sufferings (because HE suffered too). I'm thankful that we have hope at all for Brian's life, and that I've had a front row seat to how God is using this, orchestrating help, showing me life differently so that we might choose to see and embrace life differently, even better than before, moving forward. I struggle, even right now, to articulate what I'm trying to say - but I do know I've been experiencing (super natural) things that I couldn't make up, that I pray every day, all add up to a miracle for Brian's full recovery and that God continues to show me what's in store.  I prayed with a woman after church and she prayed over Brian & I and some of the scripture she cited and the words in her prayers could only have been given to her from the Lord, given she was a complete stranger. She encouraged me to continue to stand firm, which many of you have, to guard my mind and send the enemy to hell because Jesus has this in his hands.

I share all of this because I feel God is especially close to us in this season of suffering. And the strength to endure isn't from my own self, it's because I am seeking help from God first. If only I could paint a clearer picture, or write more accurately, and include all of the details that are literally inexplainable if not for my knowledge and understanding of Jesus. One example is this week, upon our return to rehab, one of my favorite nurses came to the room to welcome us back and said she had been driving home one evening, thinking about Brian, and as she did, an ambulance drove past her on the highway, escorted by an ISP squad car and she *knew* it had to be Brian and she said to herself "oh good, he's coming back to us!" What are the odds of that!? She also said on the days she is not assigned to Brian, she still checks on him and truly wants him to get better. She's the kind of woman that will sit with you to talk, go the extra mile for her patients, including stay after her shifts to eat dinner with a patient just because he asked her to...because she believes relationships lend their hand in healing. That's so beautiful, and she's exactly the type of health care professional I prayed we would be surrounded by.

In these dark, lonely days, I am learning more than I ever expected to about what it means to be faithful and surrendered. And God's closeness and realness has never been more palpable. Before the accident, Brian and I shared what I would consider a 'great love.' We live in our moments together, seek joyful experiences, encourage one another and I've always been so thankful that God introduced us. Before this, I liked to believe either one of us would do *anything* for the other, and it isn't until we are tested that we would truly know how we would respond. I love Brian more than words could ever describe, I never could have imagined loving him more and yet my love for him has grown immensely. I pray every day God will show us even more joy & love in our future, when He overcomes.