May 8th - Day 82

A week ago today, I sat with Brian and tried something that his sister had suggested -- which is try to mold some of Brian's movements into ways he can communicate with us, if he can in fact hear us. One thing he does often, which I assume is due to some of the medications/stimulants he is on, is lift his head. It's often rhythmic. So I spent the day verbally telling him that he was lifting his head every time he did it. Eventually I started to ask him to lift it to see if he would respond...and he did! I thought, man I bet this is a coincidence - so I would watch him for long periods of time to see if he was doing it rhythmically, but he was not. So I would walk up to him, ask him to lift his head, and he continued to respond to that verbal command. I was thrilled but also in denial so I video called his parents, my parents and our friends to witness it. I recorded it on my phone too. I was elated. Even with proof, even with witnesses, by the end of the night I still convinced myself it was too good to be true & perhaps coincidental after all. So I did not mention it to the nurses or doctors. I didn't share it here either because I am constantly fearful that I'm misunderstanding progress (like I suspect I might have when I thought he squeezed my hand, but it was likely just his muscle tone kicking in).

All that to say...yesterday I walked into his room and his physical therapist had visited in the morning. They leave me notes on a dry erase board. At the very top she wrote: "Response to verbal command 'raise up your head' 100%, 10/10 times."

The nurse came to meet me shortly after I arrived and was excitedly telling me about it. Remember...I never told anyone at the hospital about this, so I was SO HAPPY to receive this affirmation from the people that work with him every day. Perhaps I am not crazy then! Perhaps last Saturday he really was beginning to respond to verbal commands! Then his doctor called me and shared the same news, noted his progress this past week, said that she believes he is starting to track with his eyes because he looked toward her when she spoke to him, and then she shared with me that his hemoglobin was perfect...to which she noted she had never seen in her entire career with a patient such as Brian (someone that has been in a bed / hospital long term). AKA he is not anemic, and she said no one in the hospital besides him is NOT anemic. Also, his infection has cleared up & his eyes looked the most centered I've seen them so far (hooray)!

Another odd defying moment. I nervous laughed and thanked God. It felt like another sign of reassurance.

These days leading up to his transfer (which now is Tuesday for sure), I have been excited and nervous. Excited because the timing feels right and he's heading into receiving the best care that he needs now.

Nervous because I am aware that the road ahead of us is long & difficult. Fearful of the outcome and challenges that will present themselves. Anxious in anticipating a remarkable recovery.

My best friend reminded me that at every turn, Brian has defied the odds. His mom reminds me that she has always considered him 'bionic.' And to top it off, Brian's naturally wired to work hard, over achieve, and stay positive. 

At the end of the day, I want to share a life with Brian again in a way we both recognize. I want him to remember things, hold me, talk & laugh, be active. Things we often take for granted. If I am being very vulnerable and honest, I want my partner back, and the possibility of a fruitful future. We are newly weds, God! We have so much life to live together yet!

Yesterday, I recounted the 18+ stories of people we know either directly or through one degree of separation that have been through this - an accident resulting in a coma and a TBI recovery. All of them are different, all of them were hard and challenging and have left residual challenges in one way or another, but all 18 shared that they feel they have mostly returned to "normal" life...that they, or their loved one, feels themselves again.

On the flip side, every time I get lost in research on the internet, I find stories that are odd defying, but still inevitably involve disabilities and deficits. Being an empath, I hurt deeply when I read about those. Even before Brian's accident, tragedy always makes me feel deeply empathetic, something I often which was not a trait of mine. Especially now, when my own heart is broken and it only aches more severely when being met by other peoples' similar experiences.

It's not lost on me that Brian's journey may be long and difficult and perhaps result in disabilities. However, God has generously delivered 18+ stories directly connected to me, that have significant, and positive outcomes. I would consider most of them 95% recoveries. And that's why my prayer requests have become specific. 

Praying relentlessly, now, as we enter this next phase is to me, as important as those first few critical days when Brian was fighting for his life. We prayed tirelessly for him to survive. And now I am tirelessly asking God to let Brian thrive. I consider these days just as critical as the survival days. Let's increase and amplify our prayers!  

God, please grant us patience and heal Brian in your timing. We ask you for complete, odd defying restoration. Rewire his brain, allow him to rehab, and return to a life he knows and loves. We commit our hearts and minds to you in prayer daily on Brian's behalf. Be near to him, let his soul call out to you for help. Keep us trusting in your word and your ability to perform this miracle. We ask you to breath life into Brian and keep us expectant of your good work. Please prosper Brian, don't let this accident harm and rob him from a long, beautiful life! Please give him and I and our marriage, hope & a future we both desire. Amen!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11