May 4th - 5th - Day 78 & 79

I have a lot to say today - and because my wrist physically hurts when I write, I decided to take it here to blog/journal for my own memory keeping. This entry will be long...part inspirational and hopefully part informational too.

I wanted to share & list the ways that God really showed up for me yesterday. I think it's really easy to thank God for big moments and then feel like He's absent, and then feel doubt and then spiral into disbelief. For me this has been a time of spiritual warfare. Even though I can attribute many things to God's hand in all of this...like I've said before, all it takes is one scary thought to unleash my doubts & fears.

But yesterday...

Yesterday God answered all your prayers in giving me strength and hope for the day (thank you for praying for me - often times I want ALL of the prayers to be for Brian). I woke up to multiple messages or bible verses from folks building me up. Even a friend that subscribed me to a sleep meditation app (Abide...and this part of the story is relevant later). I laid in bed and contemplated if I was going to visit or take a day off. I decided to pull myself up & go see my guy.

Looking back at the past couple of weeks, aside from the infection, Brian's been pretty calm/stable and so I haven't really journaled much. I went into the day not anticipating any real changes. To my surprise, God chose yesterday to shower me with encouragement - something I very much needed as we anticipate his recovery in rehab. I think bullet points might help consolidate the series of events that took place upon my arrival:

• I walked in Brian's room, and he was just laying there wiggling his toes! I was able to capture it on video! Unprompted toe wiggles always make me smile - any spontaneous body movement feels exciting to me.
• A few minutes later, our favorite respiratory nurse (George), was assigned to him and he came to the room to say hi! We haven't seen him since March & he's always the most positive and sweet. He was really excited to see how far Brian has come. 
• Then - Brian's OT showed up. She normally comes in the mornings, so I've never gotten to see the therapists work 1:1 with Brian. She told me she wanted to try and catch me so she could show me what she does. I was SO impressed, not only with her, but with Brian! I only ever see him in the afternoon, lying in bed, when he is likely tired from 'working out' - but to see him sitting up, alert (eyes opened), holding up his own head, and having strong responses to multiple kinds of stimulus was everything I needed to get hyped for his rigorous rehab ahead. The OT he has is also just a gem and we connected and she made me feel so encouraged and educated. Really something I didn't know I needed. What a blessing that I got to meet her & experience that! It helped my worries dissipate significantly. 
• Throughout his OT session, MULTIPLE nurses that have come to know Brian over time stopped in the room to say "Go Brian!" or just watch, say hi to me and give me a thumbs up. Even the chaplain, who I had never met before, randomly stopped in to say "Looking good, Trooper Frank!" He told me he comes to pray with Brian every morning. At this point I'm thinking to myself "Seriously!? Brian's popular, even while unconscious?!" Ha! But joking aside, my heart was so full seeing the staff cheering him on. Most days it's just me & Brian alone, with 1-2 nurses checking on him every 2-4hrs, so it was an eventful, energetic change of pace. 
• He also was very stable in all ways and his white blood cell count is back to normal, so we were told that his transfer has been scheduled for Monday, barring no other setbacks.
• I then found out the visiting restrictions at the current hospital are now allowing for 2 guests to come together & 4 guests to come on Mother's day - which means that Brian's mom & dad can come and my mom can see him on Sunday before he transfers! Timing wise, this is such a gift!
• This verse found its way to me twice: "You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice a glorious, inexpressible joy." -1 Peter 1:8
• The trooper that picked me up to drive me home was playing Elevation worship music when I got in. Most of the time the troopers don't have the radio on, so the music stood out to me. This felt like a gentle reminder that God was really present in this day. I almost laughed because I had this visual in my head of God holding a nerf machine gun saying "OH you don't believe I'm here yet?! Okay then!! HERE YA GO!" and just pelting me in the most obvious ways, all day long, LOL.
• At this point, I'm thinking wow what a day, this is the icing on the cake - but there was a cherry on top!:
• Last week a dear friend sent me something late at night because she said God had been pressing on her heart to share it with me. The way she wrote it was beautifully portrayed and resonated so deeply with me:

"I've been studying the story of Elijah from 1 Kings chapters 17&18 lately and was struck by how BEFORE God's miraculous showing of himself to all the people on Mt. Carmel through Elijah, he first commanded the prophet to go to an isolated place during a severe drought and be separated from everyone and everything at the Brook, Cherith. 

Totally alone there, Elijah was sustained by God through personal and miraculous means… God sent the most unlikely birds imaginable to deliver bread and meat into Elijah's hands twice a day, because not only does he love to sustain us and have us depend solely on Him for what we need, but he loves to use unexpected and surprising methods to delight us and show us His character. 

Not only was Elijah learning from God one-on-one in that wilderness of solitude next to a dwindling stream of water, but we learn later in the story, just like Elijah did, that the separation and isolation he was called to endure was actually a veil of protection during an especially dangerous time for him. God sustained and equipped (for later work) his chosen messenger at Cherith whilst also profoundly shielding and protecting him from the people who were hunting him down to kill him. 

The root word for the Hebrew name of the Brook, Cherith, is a harsh verb that means to cut off, even amputate. How strange that the name of the place God called Elijah to to prepare him for the later wonders of Mt. Carmel literally meant a painful, severe cutting off or separation (from the life he knew before). 

I'm no prophet, but can't help but feel that the miraculous events of Brian's and your story so far can only mean that God is preparing you both for something bigger, massive, even. In the same way God showed up on Mt. Carmel with Elijah to declare that He is God in Israel by sending blazing fire from heaven that consumed everything, including the stones of the altar in one blast, this time for you feels like preparation for the climax of your story. This is your Cherith. Let God continue to sustain you, despite the feelings of despair that the trickle of water keeping you alive is dwindling more every day. Let Him delight you with His uncanny means of provision and ask for fresh eyes to see them."

• Before I fell asleep last night, I decided to try out that Abide meditation app I mentioned earlier, and I clicked on "sleep." You can then choose a mediation or select random. I chose random. It was titled "Hope for the Hopeless" ...and the first mediation was from 1 Kings, about Elijah at the Brook, Cherith. 🙌❗

I went to bed with an overwhelming feeling of God's closeness to us. It was like he was shouting at me all day long, morning to night. I needed a day like yesterday.

--

Today, one of Brian's co-workers was able to visit Brian with me today. It's always nice to have another set of helping hands and eyes on Brian and find new friendship with the people that are special to Brian. I am humbled & heartened to see how other people are loving him through this.

Today Brian was alert again. I remember I used to time how long his eyes would stay open and calling our families to say "its been 10 whole minutes!" And now his eyes are open all day long! They got him sitting upright in a chair today and we saw him lift his leg. He also finally exhibited response to 'threat' with his eyes -- meaning if I come close to his eye ball with my hand/finger, he blinks. Last week he seemed to have no response to that. We also noticed he is making more sounds (sighing, moaning) more often. 

Since prior to Brian's accident, I knew nothing about comas or TBIs (traumatic brain injuries), I thought it might be helpful to explain that there is a progression to returning to consciousness. It's not coma to conscious - there is an emerging process that correlates with the GCS coma scale. It's actually tough for me to type this out, so if you're curious or want to learn, I encourage you to google it. Likely the most confusing thing is just because his eyes are open does not mean he is awake. I just wanted to clarify that in case that's confusing, because it sure was for me in the beginning. The recovery stories I've come across are all very different and unique. All of the stories that have found their way to me through a mutual connection, all seem to have made remarkable & nearly complete recoveries. I like to think that God has shown me those specific outcomes for a reason to give me greater hope.

The goal at rehab is to emerge him to full consciousness, but it will likely be a slow process. They often disclaimer this goal with "if" - because it's not guaranteed. BUT, what does encourage me is his continual progress, in such a short amount of time (even though for me and all of us it feels long) - AND - that it feels like God is so very present. It's in his hands!

As for TBIs - we don't know what specific challenges lie ahead or what his recovery and rehab will entail. We do know it'll take time and hard work, which everyone knows Brian is cut out for. But as we approach this next phase, my prayers are shifting and becoming more focused / detailed. If you've been praying with me I invite you to pray in agreement with me:

• Dear God, way maker, please make a way for Brian to wake up and emerge to full consciousness. Please give him a chance to fight for his full recovery. Please let his voice & laugh sound the same, let his vocal chords be unharmed. Let him be able to talk. Please let his physical abilities return to him fully, so he can enjoy the activities in life that bring him joy (golfing, bowling, fishing, running, hiking, walking the dog, snowboarding...). Return his vision, hearing & give him his memories and discernment. Lord, let him be independent. Return him to the man he would recognize in the mirror. Return him to the Brian that we all know & love. Give me the patience & strength to help him and have unwavering trust (1 Peter 1:8) in you & your ability to perform these miracles. You promised us love, hope & a future. Please grant us more than we can imagine with the outcome of this circumstance. Heal Brian completely. Let this new phase be exactly what he needs. Thank you for your constant, unresting presence and for a day of encouragement! Go before us, bless the hands & minds of his next medical team & let his transfer be safe and seamless. We ask these things in Jesus' name, Amen!