April 28th - Day 72

On Monday morning, Brian had a fever and elevated white blood cell count (i.e. an infection). The doctor ordered labs in order to determine the source of infection, therefore delaying his transfer to rehab x1 week, pending the results. We should have answers by tomorrow. God's timing is perfect, and we've been praying for him to arrive in the exact right window - so I'm trusting there's a reason it's not time to go yet.

Aside from that, yesterday was pretty low key & stable. The weather was warm and perfect. 

Brian's CRIMPAT team all came out to have lunch outside Brian's hospital window with me. Having their support since day one has continued to be invaluable to me & our family. 💙

Sometimes the nice weather days are even harder. I stopped at mine & Brian's house on the way back to my parents after my visit and it was unbearable. Standing in our our empty house...in the now lush backyard made my heart ache (last time we both were home, 72 days ago, there was so much snow...). I could imagine how we would be spending that perfect evening if the accident had never happened. I'm sure Layla would be running around the back yard and Brian and I would be contemplating grilling dinner, a walk around the block...opening all the windows for fresh air. I stood in the backyard replaying visuals in my head of our old life - Brian walking up the driveway with a big smile, eager to tell me about his day at work & greet me and Layla. Instead everything felt stale...quiet. I could hear the birds chirping, the neighborhood kids laughing, the sunshine on my face...and yet it all felt silent, cold and dark. These long days of surreal reality, straddling the line of grief and hope feel longer, harder and joyless. Missing Brian's voice, touch, conversation, smile...praying for it all to return...knowing that the road ahead is long no matter what. God, how I wish he could just wake up, the way it's portrayed on TV. The realities of living with TBI will eventually present new challenges. I often worry over when & if he'll wake up...how he will wake up...how he'll recover...I hate to say 'if' because I believe God has gotten us this far and won't stop now - I feel that deep in my soul - but my fears and worries that creep in are scary because they involve the word 'if.' In those moments of deep fear, I cling to God's word. I am often lifted swiftly away from those dark thoughts. I focus on the strides Brian has made and the opportunities ahead of him/us and thank God for the rehab & therapies available to him!! 

Please God, let Brian arrive to rehab in perfect timing for him to be receptive to aggressive stimulus. Please keep the enemy far from my thoughts and focused on the hope for Brian's strong, complete recovery! Please keep me focused on you & on Brian's story! Please, one day, let this 'long' span of time feel like a 'blip,' compared to the long life & future you have in store for us and our marriage. Please, Lord, restore him. Please bring us back home. Please let us share joy again. Amen.

‘But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD…” 
— Jeremiah 30:17

“Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.” 
— Psalm 6:2

And the verses that spoke to me the strongest today:

"God, your God, will restore everything you [& Brian] lost; he'll have compassion on you [& Brian]; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you [& Brian] were scattered... He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors...And you will make a new start, listening obediently to God, keeping all his commandments that I'm commanding you today...God, your God, will outdo himself in making things go well for you; you'll have babies...grow crops, and enjoy an all-around good life. Yes, God will start enjoying you again, making things go well for you just as he enjoyed doing it for your ancestors." 
- Deuteronomy 30: 3+